Sunken Silhouette

Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

2010-03-09T01:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a while hasn't it ? Well, apart from unemployment and basic do-nothing shenanigans I've been uninspired. Uninspired to write, uninspired to create, basically just Bland.

Until last night of course when I watched this movie called "Shrink" released in 2009 starring Kevin Spacey. A brilliant and simple movie that tries to bring to the forefront the complexities of everyday life. The movie starts with the quote that reads,

Happiness. Happiness is a word for a feeling. Feelings are rarely understood; in a moment they are quickly forgotten and misremembered.

How do you even know what happiness really feels like ? I'm not saying I'm not happy. I don't know what it is to know if I'm it or not. I wish someone could come up to me and say "Tag! You're It ! You're now happy!" and I would get an overwhelming sense of euphoria and hence would know I'm happy. But that doesn't happen in the real world does it ? I travel along my path of life in a comatose state of mind. Numb. Life's tragedies they say try to make you hard and your goal in life is to not let it. Well I guess I've succeeded since I can't feel anything.

I miss the days when I would wake up to a world full of hope and opportunity. Everything was within my grasp. I was unconquerable. 21 and so cynical they call me. They fail to see that I know all the answers, I'm just waiting to formulate the questions.

In 21 years of my life, I have realized that it's a comfort for seekers to know that no matter how much strange water they may venture, there are always pilots within call. But yet the sufferer must help himself as the pilot usually in the moment of crisis probably has to walk his dog, smoke a spliff or go buy himself a new tux for his wedding. The best help is self help.

Happiness is a warm gun the Beatles claimed and like every other verse, complicated chord or brilliant harmony ever written, this summarizes my post. Happiness is the same gun that you use to create a Pulp Fiction of your brain until you realize that happiness is a choice. An invisible line but extremely tangible. You choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, either way, it's your own doing.

Material Girl.

2010-02-02T03:31:00.000-08:00

They say money can't buy happiness. The only people who say this are people who don't have it.

In my new purple shoes, I stand above the world and watch an angry man who's heavy on his girl.

In my new purple shoes, I am strong again from that convincing smile that was once a friend.

Nobody knows how it's all going to go though everybody hopes that she's finally going to win...this time around.

In my new black dress, I can steal away from an angry man who has nothing nice to say,

In my new black dress, people look at me and see all the things that you hated me to be.

Nobody knows how it's all going to go though everybody hopes that she's finally going to win...this time around.

I can cry on my own shoulder, I don't need your help to pull through.

Cause I got new purple shoes and my cute hair cut and a new black dress....And I look real good.

Nobody knows how it's all going to go, Everybody hopes that she's finally going to win...this time around.

Human.

2010-01-31T00:40:00.000-08:00

Pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance, they always did the best they could
And so long to devotion you taught me everything I know
Wave good bye, wish me well, you gotta let me go
- The Killers.

I think everyone now a days is bidding a fond farewell to old friends we used to know named loyalty and morality. We're human after all are we not ? Instinct taking over judgment. Look at how animals live, it's in our genome. Makes you sometimes wonder when humanity is just going to be lying in a gutter somewhere with no-one to pick us up.

"All you girls don't deserve anyone to be loyal to you. You'll just go and screw around either way", he claims to me on the phone. Extremely miffed I retort " Well it's not like you men have an extremely high loyalty rate yourself and please stop generalizing, you sound more ignorant than a dead dodo who WERE the dumbest animals on the planet". He is waiting for me to go on with my whole feminist talk but I'm tired. Not tonight.
" All us nice guys finish last. We're either too boring and nice or we're so caring you make us brothers. It's like a lose-lose situation for us ".

I sigh, " I think you're reading too much into this. It's not even our business. It's not our situation. Let it go".

I can feel him getting edgy and he breathes heavily into the mouthpiece, " I need you to give me a logical answer or I'm probably going to go nuts thinking about how people act. You're a shrink, isn't this your area of expertise ?".

Snap ! That's the sound of my patience being cracked.

"Fine ! You want to know why women fall for the bad ones ? Because, you know, when you're staring at that semi porno type slutty girl thinking you'd love to bury your face in her ass, women are the same. We seek the thrill and spontaneity that the boring guys don't deliver. Of course, I know girls with absolutely brilliant adorable boyfriends who do everything from the textbook right but you know what? Those women are lying. They would rather have the asshole, egoistic, drug injecting, philanderer, lecherous man but are too smart to do it. They trade the adventure for security. Let's make this very clear. Women Love Bastards. You know why I do it? Because at the end of the day I don't need a man to make me feel secure. I have my thrill and leave. I've been through 3 men in my existence which is not enough to base a judgment but is enough to tell me that men are only good for multiple orgasms and nothing else. Once women find that elsewhere, their going to leave. Everybody leaves in the end. So if you think for one second that you're the only one out there facing these problems. Stop kidding yourself. There is no morality left in this world. Love is on speed dial if there is anything known as love to begin with and the fact that you still believe it exists obviously means you haven't been burned bad enough. Once you're willing to step out of your "pull doors open for women, walk behind her" world, you'll do better for yourself. This isn't medieval times. Us damsels LOVE our distress".

Close your eyes, clear your heart... and cut the cord

My Unwritten Life.

2010-01-27T08:28:00.000-08:00

As a writer my job is to bring to the surface all of the thoughts that a common average person thinks but cannot express. I formulate the sentences that would relate to what someone is experiencing but cannot find the words to lay them out on a platter for the world to see. I do that. I write roles for people, I write situations, I write the problem and I write the solution.

My life is a set of well orchestrated words. My blogs aren’t filled with my shenanigans on how much pot I smoke or how often I do it. It’s more the thoughts that run through my head when I’m at that high. Sometimes even when I’m not.

I wonder why I’m still blogging here. I haven’t in sometime because I don’t usually just blog for the sake of me having to say something. I just do it when I have something to say. I’m writing now because I think I can say in the past one month I’ve lived more on the edge than I ever have in my entire life and I love it.

I’ve always been the kind of person who needs to know what is happening, where it’s leading to, have a backup plan in case my initial plan fails and then go one step further to have a backup plan in case my backup plan fails to work. In another term you could call me a “Control Freak”. But I’ve finally learned what “letting go of your inhibitions” actually means. I’ve lived in a bubble wrapped world my entire life. Shielding myself away from people, not wanting to get too close, not wanting to give them the power to hurt you but if there’s one thing I’ve learned is when you build walls you not only shut people out, you also fence yourself in. Sitting alone in a fenced world is a lonely place to be.

Sometimes you meet people who are nothing you’ve ever wanted but everything you ever need. People who are your tug out of the lurch. People go through life making plans. At 25 I will be married. At 30 I shall have my dream job. At 40 I will join an exclusive club. People are always trying to write out their own destinies. It’s my job to write and after a whole lot of trial and test methods I have realized that there is nothing known as a perfect story. Just badly written ones. The ones you don’t write about are the ones worth remembering. It’s a tad hypocritical since I document close to everything but now I’m not going to document what I want, just what makes me happy. All I needed was the tug out of the lurch to realize that I am special, precious and don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise.

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned.
- Alicia Keys.

Heart Of Life.

2009-11-11T00:30:00.000-08:00

6.40 pm and I'm walking out of office in the dreadful rains. November rain. Freak rain. I look down at my new purple suede shoes. Ruined. There is chaos all around me. People aren't prepared for the sudden showers of blessings so they scamper like little puppets to the nearest dry spot they can find. People hop into buses, cabs, trains and any other kind of transport.

While I stand there transfixed wondering how to get home, it suddenly dawns onto me that I'm in big trouble. I don't travel by train, there are no buses to take me home and all the cabs are full. CRAP. So, I contemplate about taking my shoes off and walking barefoot but I would rather not risk me getting some plague disease that would require me to amputate my foot later.

I stood on the street aimlessly looking around hoping to catch sight of a stray cab. In vain. I continued walking on and suddenly spotted a familiar face. We made small talk, decided to cab it back together and continued waiting aimlessly. In the course of time we started talking to this Muslim lady who seemed so full of life that I aimed to be just like her 10 mins into our conversation.

In my normal world, I would have never cabbed it home with complete strangers but desperate times call for desperate measures so when we finally got a cab, there was no second thought about it.

"Where do you work my girl ?" she asked me continuing the small talk.

"Oh I'm a content writer for this media company. I write movie synopsis and reviews and stuff for their newly launched channel".

"That's nice even my children work in the media". Her face brightened as soon as she thought of her children which immediately made me wonder if my mum's face lit up like that if she ever spoke about me..."one writes for the technology section in the Times and my daughter is a photographer " she continued..

While the distance was being covered so were the basic pleasantries about where I lived, what my aspirations were, future plans. Things that when my mother asks me annoys me to no end but I had no issue discussing it with a total stranger.

Silence.

I stared out the window at the concrete city before me. Street urchins running around playing and kicking water, mums trailing their children and covering them from head to foot, vegetable vendors covering themselves in bubblewrap. The fate of my purple shoes seem like such a tiny problem as compared to the children running around barefoot and completely happy oblivious to the fact that things like suede shoes exist.

"You remind me so much of a firecracker" she suddenly claims staring very intently right into my eye which takes me completely by surprise and breaks my thread of thought.

"Firecracker ?!?" I muse at that one.. I've never been called a firecracker before but I'll take it. I like the sound to it.

" You have that spark. Don't ever lose it ".

I smile. " I'll try not too Aunty, but I'm making no promises ".

She was quick to retort "Darling, you're young. My daughter did photography for 12 years. Life is exactly like that. Use the negatives to develop".

A complete stranger. A random compliment. An amusing conversation.

Even strangers surprise you sometimes....if you let them.

Pain throws your heart to the ground,
Love turns the whole thing around,
No it won't all go the way it should,
But I know the heart of life is good.

Grace Kelly.

2009-11-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

Today something online caught my eye. Teens go for makeup tutorials. Seriously ? Like we're talking about girls who are about 14 and 15 years old. When asked why a 13 yr old replies "The boys love when you can put your makeup and look good with them in their Facebook profile pictures". This reminds me of that Grace Kelly song. I can be brown I can be blue I can be violet sky... I can be anything you like. Even if it means changing everything you are to be something else for someone else. What they don't realize is their so busy being someone else for somebody else they forget who they are.

P. S : If you're someone like this reading this ( though the chances are slim ) you don't need to change just because someone else has a problem with it.

I'm a single girl. Not really unattractive. I get my decent share of attention ( and some other people's share of attention as well ). Quite comfortable in walking on the streets in pyjamas and not an ounce of makeup on. Well above legal age limit and the main question people ask me once they realize I'm single is "How are you going to get into a relationship when you don't date ?".

I think dating is just Trial and Error and I love myself way too much to put myself through that awful mess. I see my friends hop from one man wagon to the next without a clue. I refuse to be clueless. It's just a forced awkward conversation where you can't blame anyone but yourself. You sit there and wonder :

Do I have food on my face ?

Am I boring him ? Am I talking too much ? Is he really interested ?

Do I think I look okay enough to be seen with him ?

Mind - games is what people love to play. That's why they do this whole date thing anyway. It's the thrill of the chase. The need for validation.

So I apologize if I don't care how you think I look or if I have food on my face ( if it's there for less than 5 secs I will eat it.. 5 second golden rule ) or if my dress isn't up to your standards. If you don't look like Brad Pitt don't expect me to be an Aniston ( Ye I know old school but i prefer Aniston ) or if my ass sticks out because I don't want to get too close while hugging you. I apologize if i value my time too much and would rather spend it with people I can be myself with rather than someone who's sitting there judging if my teeth are in direct propotion to my forehead.

" You complete me ". That line from Jerry Mcguire makes everyone go weak in the knees. But not me. You see, I don't need completion. I'm extremely complete all by myself and if you took the trouble to look beneath all that fruity make-up so are you.

Be yourself. The ones that matter don't mind and the ones that mind..... don't matter.

An Apple A Day !

2009-11-05T01:27:00.000-08:00

When the tears are slowly melting down
And your heart's stuck on a merry-go-round
Praying you could find a sign for when 
This game will end

Someday I'll find you
And I'll catch you
When you look my way
Someday you won't be afraid
And find the words to say
They were always there anyway
And I will be waiting

Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to be happy for someone else. I know that probably makes me the worst friend on earth and on paper when something good happens for one of your best friends you're supposed to be jubilant and happy and I am but I'm feeling cynical. Not angry or jealous or bitter. Just plain ole familiar cynical. We're a set of 5. Each one in a different world of her own. Each one WITH the someone who is their world.

I'd like to think of myself as a good person. Okay I may have stepped out of line a wee bit but I'm better than the average woman you get now-a-days. Fairly decent boyfriend records. Very faithful boyfriend records ( not them... me ! I was the faithful one ! ). Played the doting girlfriend part to the hilt and beyond. When I was younger my mother told me this story about an apple tree. Something to the effect that how the best apples are right at the top of the tree and only the boy who takes the trouble to climb all the way to the top gets the best apple. She always wanted me to be the best apple right at the pinnacle of the tree. Top of the apple pyramid. All my life, I did try. While my friends were out clubbing every other weekday and weekend, I concentrated on music, literature and basically staying at home. Of course, I went out but I never drank so much I passed out or blamed alcohol for all my shenanigans. I was called Boring for the longest time but I didn't care too much. In my head I was the best apple and I knew my athletic Tarzan would come along soon.

How wrong was I !

I soon realized that in this technology-stricken world where love is on speed dial, people pick the apples they can reach for the quickest and dispose off the fastest. I'm perched on the top and watch the mayhem, missing all the fun, torn between what's in my head and what's in my heart. Those two are never in sync so most of the time I find my system shutting down and having to reboot again. It's a tiring process.

I watch them, so happy ! We all sit in the same room and laugh and joke and cuddle but I guess that's when you truly know how alone you are. When you're in a room filled with people and still feel alone.

John Donne once thought we were never ever truly alone. Obviously, in his fancy language he said "No man is an island entire unto himself". When you sit and bisect all this fancy smanchy talk, all he ever said was everyone needs someone to step in to let us know we're not alone.

And I'm soon starting to realize that by sitting perched pretty, the top is a fricken' lonely place to be.

Me Hearties.

2009-11-03T04:02:00.001-08:00

This is probably the longest I've gone without penning anything down. Ah who can blame me ! The besties are down from all across the world and I've been having a blast. Drunken debauchery, midnight bonding, hand holding while going to bed, bedspreads soaked with tears, fast food at 4 in the morning, stilettos and martinis.

I'm looking at our Halloween pics and their a hoot ! Every time I look at pictures with random people or at a club I think of that One Tree Hill episode where they have a whole different outlook to pictures. In one certain picture I am surrounded by strangers. Then you wonder how many pictures you are in while someone else is clicking a moment they never want to forget. How many times you've been a part of someone's life and made a difference, however minuscule and haven't even realized it. Scary isn't it ?

Was I present when someone got a big promotion and came out to celebrate ?

Was I present when a cheating husband was taking his wife out to dinner ?

Did the sudden flash of someone else's camera annoy you or take you by surprise ?

Isn't it ironic that sometimes you can be such a huge integral part of someone's life and not even know it ? Do you believe that you were pre-destined to be there ? Or finally find out when it's too late?

I Know Now What They Do.

2009-10-21T03:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not like that now. I know better .

I know now that people lie and promises can be broken as quick as they are made . I understand that I might never be loved or never deserve it as much as the person next to me and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them . I know that you can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for awhile, that's probably the reason why. Not everything in life comes easy , but when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best . You can't always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. I have found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend . Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not , its gonna hurt like hell . But you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. However cliched this sounds, some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge . You don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks.... Hard !! At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to you anymore. Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on you . And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be . But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or an impromptu peck on the cheek start to matter.

Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like Chinese Whispers. That game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.

People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It's not true. Don't be fooled by it. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past.

The world is rarely the way it's suppose to be. And given the chance, I don't need someone else to help me make a mess of my life.... I do a pretty good job all on my own !!

Disclaimer : This piece is written out of personal experience and sheer boredom at work. Any resemblance to your life is purely co-incidental. Not subject to approval. If your comment ends with a " Can I Make Friendship " the answer is " You need to go shank yourself ". Kick the bucket, I have and I'm still alive. Blog is also sanitized for your protection.

Animal Instinct.

2009-10-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think it's best if we stay in the dark. Why? Because in the dark, you can't really see how much you have to lose. There maybe darkness but in that darkness there is a little inkling of hope. "Hope". Such a tiny word, but it practically holds the key to your spirit. Hope is what differentiates if you're living or merely existing.

Someone told me today that I need to start drawing lines. That way I know the extent to which I can let myself loose and the moment I reach that little pencil sketch, it's etched into my head that I need to turn around and come back. But what happens when you start drawing lines ONLY to cross them ? I've crossed lines, then I realize why they were drawn in the first place. There's something exciting about breaking the rules. Then you get broken. One of life's not so funny jokes I'm assuming.

I do want to meet the man who said " Whatever you don't know can't hurt you " though. I think he's a total moron ! Okay there are some people in this world who would love to stand under " Ignorance Umbrella " but that's my problem. I need answers. I need to know. For me, not knowing is way worse than knowing. When you know, you know the extent of the problem and hence, can figure out best how to do damage control and pick up the pieces quicker so they soil less.

Speaking of life's not so funny jokes, I think someone up there hates my guts. Either that, or I'm their favorite little puppet. It's the games they drop me in. There are people who love playing and then there are people who love playing way too much. I'm always dropped in the latter. The odds are against me. Always. I realize that I'm put into games where I can't compete. So do I quit the playing field ? Nope. I stand there and take a physical smacking. I say physical because there always is some part that is always left battered. Mostly my heart. Till now they haven't touched my spirit. Hopefully they never will.

So what do I do ? Stand with my chin up. Shoulders back. Strutting. I've fallen, been hurt and now I'm up again. I'm not licking my wounds, I'm celebrating them. Scars I bear are signs that I gave it my best. I'm in the lion fight. Just because I didn't win...doesn't mean I don't know how to roar.

Snap .. Crackle.. Poof !

2009-10-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

I think its high time you snapped out of it. What exactly were you trying to prove anyway ? The good guy routine seemed too good to be true and it's such a pity for you that I saw right through your transparent goodwill. You think you know me. Do you honestly believe you do ?

Even if you paid close attention you'd miss out the most obvious things and you paid as much attention as a goldfish to a shell. Do you feel cheated ? Do you feel like I've deceived you ? Well, I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but this is the real me. Which you know nothing off. Okay so you know my favorite food, my favorite song, my best friends, the colors I love to dress in. You think you know me because you seem to think you know how I'll react to most situations. Do you realize that it's the silence that speaks volumes about me ? The fact that I remained silent while you made an ass of yourself while trying to convince me you really are one of the good guys. It's the silence that makes me sweetheart, not the other way around. My secrets make me who I am and not what I want the world to know. I don't twist the truth, I don't lie...I just stay silent. My secrets are my true identity which you know nothing about.

I have to let you in on my secrets for you to know me. You won't.

Cause imagine my fuking disappointment when you turned out to be the biggest cliche of them all.

Cough !!!

2009-10-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe I should apologize for not writing in for the longest time but besides the fact that I'm suffering from a writer's block et all, I'm also suffering from a runny nose, clammy palms and a head that feels like my school band is just learning how the drum right in the there.

It's been a rough one week. One of speculation, turning over new leafs, drugging myself out, faint glimmer of hope and of course, Chelsea FC ! :D

But all is not lost, I'm now able to stand without the help of inanimate objects. ( Certain pun intended ) :D

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

And I Did Try To Fix You.

2009-09-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I first remember him walking into my life about 8 years ago. It is till date the clearest image I have of him. He was always around but I never really paid attention to this scrawny boy with a " The World Is Mine " attitude. To be honest, he was more of an irritation than anything else. He would walk in and girls would gawk, giggle and lose the plot. It irritated me but highly amused me at the same time. I was left in wonder how otherwise seemingly normal girls suddenly turn into such different beings when he was around. He walked in with a cream t-shirt, purple nike shoes, track-pants, cream cap and a little silver bracelet with his name on it.....and unintentionally changed my life forever.

And so it began,
My dating spree was nothing I can look back and honestly think I've done justice to myself but I'm not complaining. There are days when I highly regret decisions and my lapse of judgment when I know I could have handled it better. I dated someone in college. It should have started and stopped there, but unfortunately it did not. I'm blessed with an extremely high patience level which sometimes comes back to haunt me as a curse. Months flew by in a jiffy and soon it was years. Years that I so brilliantly managed to pretend I was happy. Years where my concealer was concealing a lot more than it ever should have. Years when I was called so many names I actually started believing there was a shred of truth in them. I would smile from the outside and nobody knew otherwise. All this while, mystery boy was always around and going through a theatrical performance of his own. The occasional emails, chats, Xmas-New Year-Birthday phone calls happened. I could tell him anything and even though I would have wanted a reciprocation, he was a tight oyster who never let on more than he was ever supposed too.

After roller coaster disasters, I managed to free myself of the mental and emotional torture I got myself into. I never realized that mystery boy was surprisingly still around. He had turned into someone I didn't really recognize anymore. Not the same free-spirited, funny guy who lit up a room as soon as he walked in. He was more angry at the world but there's only so much you can gauge over the internet and we drew apart for a bit.

Life moved on, I grew up more than I was supposed to at my age. Became cynical and sarcasm got me through my day. Pessimistic views took over the once over-optimistic me. Mystery boy and me met up about twice in between but it wasn't too eventful. We had our own messed up lives to deal with.

It took 8 years to realize that it was very hard to ignore the fact that I was more than just amused with him. We were two separate individuals with probably the only common factor being Music. Spring came and along with it so did he. We hung out, laughed and sometimes you don't realize how good a time your having when you suddenly don't have it anymore. " I can see you with someone older. I can also see why anyone you're with is so insecure. Don't ever change".

Time passed and he left to go back to where he belonged. I missed him more than I even knew the extent of the trouble I was walking into. The phone calls were more frequent, the talks getting more intimate with each passing day. Did I miss something along the way ? Was I too blind to not see something that everybody obviously does ?

Summer came and so did I and it was one of the most memorable summers of my life. It was funny how someone as independent as me actually needed an opinion that too from a man. Someone who took the reins of her life was now asking someone else for pizza topping opinions. On a normal day, pepperoni and mushrooms would have been said without a second thought but he scrambles my brains. It's unnerving. For me, calm and collected me, this was new.

We sat, drank champagne, stared at the stars, hugged, shared songs, shared jokes and more importantly shared our lives for 2 weeks. His body language spoke volumes. " I don't want to fall, because when I fall, I fall bad ". Was that where I was supposed to say I would catch him ? I'm pretty sure he knew I would have. I didn't quite know what I was expected to say. Why ruin a perfectly good moment with what I felt ? I didn't say a word. In retrospect I should have. But it's not quite easy to verbally claim that someone has that much power over you to make your heart beat faster and slower at the same time. Seemed too textbookish. I just sat there stroking his hair, taking in the moment. Stolen moments that faded only too quickly. But you win. I quit. I'm happy to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all. It was worth every moment and every mile.

Do you think I should be bitter ? Not even close. I've learned so much from him. He could decide if and when he wanted to fall, but not me, it was too late for me. I'll get over it. I've stared love in the face and gave it was my best. Maybe it wasn't good enough but I know another 8 years down the line I don't look at this mystery and wonder .. what if.. !

I used to write about a boy I was in love with.. Now I write about a boy I can't forget.

Summer.

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons and when all is said and done, just like the shooting stars we stared at from his balcony, it was a spectacular moment of light, a fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash, it's gone.

The Honored Lot.

2009-09-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

I wake in the morning and walk to the bathroom.. the water runs continuously.
She wakes in the morning and walks a kilometre to the nearest public tap.
I sit in the comfort of my chair and moan as to why theres no cereal instead of oatmeal.
She eats a stale piece of bread she saved up from last night.
I breathe in the air from my second floor apartment effortlessly.
She chokes on the hazardous fumes from the nearby factory.
I wonder what shoes best match my dress and stress about a matching bag.
She wears the same tattered dress for New Years, Xmas and her Birthday.
I walk out of my house and straight into a car that drives me somewhere.
She walks barefooted, in the scorching heat making her cracks bleed.
I go to a movie cinema, clubs and bars for entertainment.
She plays with the street dog and stones of different colors.
I plan vacations, shopping sprees and girl's nights out.
She goes window shopping usually shooed away for being an eyesore.
I have a choice between Continental, Chinese and Thai.
She eats what she's managed to beg off the mercy of other people.
I read Vogue, Glamor and Cosmopolitan.
She looks at pictures of old newspapers.
I sleep in a soft bed with a warm comforter.
She sleeps in under a plastic sheet on the street in any weather.
I wake up in the morning.. and do it all again without a thought.
She wakes up in the morning.. looks around.. and that's all she's got.

We live under the same sky, yet we're worlds apart.
We cross each other everyday, yet how lost we are in our own world's to care.
Is her world just a backdrop to the centrestage life I lead ?
I have beautiful eyes they tell me, but it means nothing to me
There's a whole world out there I was too blind to see.

Stallwarts.

2009-09-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

My first blog. Ideally I would like it to be a raging, guns-ablazing post that defines the reasons why I'm here. Ironically not even I have the answer to that one.
Willing to bare my soul to a cyber, anonymous world ? Check.
But this is me paying homage. When I silently crave for that warm embrace to give me the necessary strength to carry on, I have none. My heart is shattered into different pieces and as fate would have it, took those little pieces and scattered it all over the world. Of course, a million faces I see everyday who willingly bend backwards for me, but I will have none of that. It's a series of events, one walks in....the other walks out. Emotional purgotary.
Piece 1 is lying under the blistering heat of a desert. Scorched. Parched.
Piece 2 is cowering under an umbrella in a cold, dense land. Cloudy and opaque skies.
Piece 3 is wallowing in desolation. In a plush serene world, yet lonely in a crowded room.
Piece 4 is lying in a trench while staring up at the sky.
and Piece 5 is here, writing this out.
Together as a whole, my heart pumps vitality into the core of my being. Now that I've been disected, I have to bid my time.
All the Pieces are in perfect symmetry. Tried and testing to a point of no return. But they're strong, confident, patient and waiting for the bigger picture that they know is yet to come. This is a testimony to "my heart" and the people who help it run effortlessly and to the people who came, snatched it away and then returned it battered and bruised. My heart is woven in tapestry with a tangible bond that none can faze....and for being that bond....I thank you.