And I Did Try To Fix You.

And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I first remember him walking into my life about 8 years ago. It is till date the clearest image I have of him. He was always around but I never really paid attention to this scrawny boy with a " The World Is Mine " attitude. To be honest, he was more of an irritation than anything else. He would walk in and girls would gawk, giggle and lose the plot. It irritated me but highly amused me at the same time. I was left in wonder how otherwise seemingly normal girls suddenly turn into such different beings when he was around. He walked in with a cream t-shirt, purple nike shoes, track-pants, cream cap and a little silver bracelet with his name on it.....and unintentionally changed my life forever.

And so it began,
My dating spree was nothing I can look back and honestly think I've done justice to myself but I'm not complaining. There are days when I highly regret decisions and my lapse of judgment when I know I could have handled it better. I dated someone in college. It should have started and stopped there, but unfortunately it did not. I'm blessed with an extremely high patience level which sometimes comes back to haunt me as a curse. Months flew by in a jiffy and soon it was years. Years that I so brilliantly managed to pretend I was happy. Years where my concealer was concealing a lot more than it ever should have. Years when I was called so many names I actually started believing there was a shred of truth in them. I would smile from the outside and nobody knew otherwise. All this while, mystery boy was always around and going through a theatrical performance of his own. The occasional emails, chats, Xmas-New Year-Birthday phone calls happened. I could tell him anything and even though I would have wanted a reciprocation, he was a tight oyster who never let on more than he was ever supposed too.

After roller coaster disasters, I managed to free myself of the mental and emotional torture I got myself into. I never realized that mystery boy was surprisingly still around. He had turned into someone I didn't really recognize anymore. Not the same free-spirited, funny guy who lit up a room as soon as he walked in. He was more angry at the world but there's only so much you can gauge over the internet and we drew apart for a bit.

Life moved on, I grew up more than I was supposed to at my age. Became cynical and sarcasm got me through my day. Pessimistic views took over the once over-optimistic me. Mystery boy and me met up about twice in between but it wasn't too eventful. We had our own messed up lives to deal with.

It took 8 years to realize that it was very hard to ignore the fact that I was more than just amused with him. We were two separate individuals with probably the only common factor being Music. Spring came and along with it so did he. We hung out, laughed and sometimes you don't realize how good a time your having when you suddenly don't have it anymore. " I can see you with someone older. I can also see why anyone you're with is so insecure. Don't ever change".

Time passed and he left to go back to where he belonged. I missed him more than I even knew the extent of the trouble I was walking into. The phone calls were more frequent, the talks getting more intimate with each passing day. Did I miss something along the way ? Was I too blind to not see something that everybody obviously does ?

Summer came and so did I and it was one of the most memorable summers of my life. It was funny how someone as independent as me actually needed an opinion that too from a man. Someone who took the reins of her life was now asking someone else for pizza topping opinions. On a normal day, pepperoni and mushrooms would have been said without a second thought but he scrambles my brains. It's unnerving. For me, calm and collected me, this was new.

We sat, drank champagne, stared at the stars, hugged, shared songs, shared jokes and more importantly shared our lives for 2 weeks. His body language spoke volumes. " I don't want to fall, because when I fall, I fall bad ". Was that where I was supposed to say I would catch him ? I'm pretty sure he knew I would have. I didn't quite know what I was expected to say. Why ruin a perfectly good moment with what I felt ? I didn't say a word. In retrospect I should have. But it's not quite easy to verbally claim that someone has that much power over you to make your heart beat faster and slower at the same time. Seemed too textbookish. I just sat there stroking his hair, taking in the moment. Stolen moments that faded only too quickly. But you win. I quit. I'm happy to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all. It was worth every moment and every mile.

Do you think I should be bitter ? Not even close. I've learned so much from him. He could decide if and when he wanted to fall, but not me, it was too late for me. I'll get over it. I've stared love in the face and gave it was my best. Maybe it wasn't good enough but I know another 8 years down the line I don't look at this mystery and wonder .. what if.. !

I used to write about a boy I was in love with.. Now I write about a boy I can't forget.

Summer.

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons and when all is said and done, just like the shooting stars we stared at from his balcony, it was a spectacular moment of light, a fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash, it's gone.