An Apple A Day !

When the tears are slowly melting down
And your heart's stuck on a merry-go-round
Praying you could find a sign for when 
This game will end

Someday I'll find you
And I'll catch you
When you look my way
Someday you won't be afraid
And find the words to say
They were always there anyway
And I will be waiting

Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to be happy for someone else. I know that probably makes me the worst friend on earth and on paper when something good happens for one of your best friends you're supposed to be jubilant and happy and I am but I'm feeling cynical. Not angry or jealous or bitter. Just plain ole familiar cynical. We're a set of 5. Each one in a different world of her own. Each one WITH the someone who is their world.

I'd like to think of myself as a good person. Okay I may have stepped out of line a wee bit but I'm better than the average woman you get now-a-days. Fairly decent boyfriend records. Very faithful boyfriend records ( not them... me ! I was the faithful one ! ). Played the doting girlfriend part to the hilt and beyond. When I was younger my mother told me this story about an apple tree. Something to the effect that how the best apples are right at the top of the tree and only the boy who takes the trouble to climb all the way to the top gets the best apple. She always wanted me to be the best apple right at the pinnacle of the tree. Top of the apple pyramid. All my life, I did try. While my friends were out clubbing every other weekday and weekend, I concentrated on music, literature and basically staying at home. Of course, I went out but I never drank so much I passed out or blamed alcohol for all my shenanigans. I was called Boring for the longest time but I didn't care too much. In my head I was the best apple and I knew my athletic Tarzan would come along soon.

How wrong was I !

I soon realized that in this technology-stricken world where love is on speed dial, people pick the apples they can reach for the quickest and dispose off the fastest. I'm perched on the top and watch the mayhem, missing all the fun, torn between what's in my head and what's in my heart. Those two are never in sync so most of the time I find my system shutting down and having to reboot again. It's a tiring process.

I watch them, so happy ! We all sit in the same room and laugh and joke and cuddle but I guess that's when you truly know how alone you are. When you're in a room filled with people and still feel alone.

John Donne once thought we were never ever truly alone. Obviously, in his fancy language he said "No man is an island entire unto himself". When you sit and bisect all this fancy smanchy talk, all he ever said was everyone needs someone to step in to let us know we're not alone.

And I'm soon starting to realize that by sitting perched pretty, the top is a fricken' lonely place to be.